Trauma

As I mentioned last week, Baby Jackson is doing great. I don’t want anyone to worry about that when they see this week’s post title. But the title is very appropriate for what I’m going to share. 

Sometime between our first couple of ultrasounds, I had a scary flashback. 

I went to one of Nick’s softball games (to cheer him on, not to play!), and then I started having some pretty bad cramps. Not long after, I could’ve sworn I was bleeding. I hadn’t necessarily checked, but my underwear felt damp. 

I was immediately transported back to June 2019. We had just learned we were pregnant the week before, and I was playing in a softball game. My doc had told me it was probably fine to play, but I should do my best to avoid any trauma to my abdominal area. 

I didn’t think that would be an issue, but I did tell my softball coaches I’d be protecting myself a bit more and not go after stuff as aggressively since we were pregnant. 

Anyway, I was playing third base that night, and I noticed some cramping. My doctor had told me that was totally normal and just a sign my uterus was growing. I also noticed that my underwear felt damp. I didn’t think too much of it–it could’ve just been sweat from being active. 

But when we got home later that night, when I went to the bathroom, it was clearly not sweat. 

Switch back to 2023, and our first miscarriage was all I could think about. I was too nervous to go to the bathroom at the ball fields and check, and I was stressed the entire drive home. I was convinced I was having another miscarriage.

Finally, when I got home, I went to the bathroom to look. No blood. 

There was a huge sigh of relief. 

I wasn’t expecting to have all that come flooding back. I thought I’d processed it and healed from it. And in some ways I had… until I got pregnant again. 

Trauma can be a tricky thing. It can hit you when you least expect it–even when you think you’ve moved past it. 

The further along in the pregnancy we get (as of this writing I’m 18 weeks), the less worried I feel. I know we’re not necessarily in the clear yet, but the effects of that trauma are fading a little with each passing milestone we hit.