The Hand-Off

In the last week of June, my IVF nurse told me to pick up a new birth control packet and gave me a day to start it. And then she said a short sentence that gave me more anxiety than I anticipated: “Let me know on your cycle day one, and I’ll transfer you to the FET team!”

It’s weird. I’ve been both ready for and dreading this part of the process ever since our first cycle in 2022. 

As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve had a lot of anxiety around the intramuscular shots. During the egg retrieval process, there’s only one per cycle, so it’s not that bad. And Nick did a great job giving me two of the shots. I was really proud of him for overcoming his unease with needles and blood. 

Each time, those injections have gone just fine. And yet, thinking about them still gives me knots in my stomach. I genuinely don’t know why. I’ve never been one to be afraid of needles, but, then again, I’ve never had so many interactions with needles…

One thing I did do, though, that I think will help is order an autoinjector. 

I’ve seen videos about this in the Facebook IVF Support Group I’m in, and there are a lot of posts about it. It’s supposed to make giving the shots easier – whether someone does it for you or you do it yourself. (I’m still not convinced I’m flexible enough to do my own, but I might be willing to try with this tool.)

I’m also toying with the idea of purchasing some tattoo numbing cream. That’s another trick from the support group to make those shots easier. Then again, the amount of comments that directly conflict with one another in the group are surprising. (E.g. for the Progesterone in Oil (PIO) injections… One user: Use ice to numb; heat and massage after. A different user: NEVER use ice — it’s the worst possible thing for the oil!)

I guess like with many things on the Internet, the advice should be taken with a grain of salt and maybe a healthy dose of skepticism… (And for the record, my clinic recommends ice before and heat after, so I will most definitely go with that route.)

In addition to the shots, I’m still having anxiety about the embryo transfer. The procedure itself seems relatively easy (at least the trial one I did a few weeks ago was), but there’s more to it than that. 

First, whichever embryo we choose (or have Dr. C. choose for us) has to make it through the thawing process. While this is very common in IVF, it’s not unheard of for embryos to either not make it or not be as good of quality thawed as they were when they were frozen. 

We’ve only got two shots at this. Considering we want two children, there’s literally no room for error. 

And then, once this process is done, we might be pregnant. Again, it’s weird. It’s something we’ve been trying for for years. My grief over our failed cycles proved to me that I want to be a mom. And yet, I’m still terrified to be a mom. 

Maybe that’s how it should be; maybe a healthy dose of fear is good. I’ve been told by family members that being a parent is amazing, but it’s also incredibly difficult and relentless. 

Case in point: After Nick came home from vacation sick, we were able to take it easy for a while. We didn’t have softball, I worked from home, and Nick took sick time. In the evenings, we watched movies or played video games. 

When I was telling Em about how and what we were doing, she said, “It must be nice to have time to convalesce. There’s no convalescing when you have little ones.”

Another friend and neighbor shared that yes, parenthood is terrifying. But it’s also incredibly amazing.

There’s also the fact that Nick and I are big fans of sleep and sleeping in. I know that’s going to change once a little one (hopefully) comes along, and I will miss some of those lazy weekend mornings. But I do think we’ll be trading them in for something way better.

It’s also a huge financial commitment, particularly for infants. Rates for pre-school/daycare in Colorado are just crazy. It’s as much as or more than a mortgage. 

Nick and I make a good living, and I know there are plenty of families far less fortunate than us who struggle with these expenses but find a way to make it work. We’ll find our own way, too, but it still feels daunting. 

I know all these sacrifices and difficulty are worth it. I know that, and yet it still gives me anxiety. Something tells me once we hopefully have a kid or kids, that anxiety won’t go away. It will likely change and look a little different over the years, but I’m sure it will always be there in one form or another. 

If anyone disagrees, I would absolutely love to hear from you!