The saying might be overused, but it’s an accurate description of how Nick and I were feeling throughout this process.
Learning we had no embryos to finish the IVF process was incredibly hard. But we became hopeful when Dr. G. told us it was potentially an issue we could fix (egg quality).
Read more: Emotional Roller CoasterAnd then another “drop” when she recommended the chromosomal analysis because that could point to a larger issue. And that larger issue could make IVF more of an uphill battle than it already was for us.
And then we got Nick’s results.
Some of my conversations with Nick were equally heartbreaking. Here’s just one example:
Nick: You could’ve had any guy, and you got me – and I’m abnormal.
Me: But I chose you, and I would choose you again. I love you; you’re my person. We’ll figure this out together.
It’s fair to say, I had a lot of dark thoughts during this time, too.
“I guess we just won’t have any kids.”
“Adoption is even more expensive than IVF – how could we possibly ever afford it?”
“I know fostering is an option, but reunification with the bio family is the main goal of fostering. If we tried to adopt through the foster care system, we could be setting ourselves up for just as much, if not more, heartache than IVF.”
“Maybe I should just focus on my career.”
Trying to be an optimist and deflect with humor, I had other thoughts:
“Well, if I go and buy myself a sporty little car – maybe a convertible or a Wrangler – that would pretty much guarantee I get pregnant before the ink is dry on the sales papers.”
“Maybe if we just give up, we’ll suddenly get pregnant. It’s happened to other people. How many stories have we heard of families who got pregnant when they least expected it – after failed IVF attempts or adopting a baby?”
“If we’re not going to be able to have kids, let’s focus on paying off our debt so we can travel more.”
And even though at the beginning of this process, I was scared by the idea of becoming a parent, my reaction to our loss told me everything I needed to know: I want to be a mom.
IVF That 